I lost my twin brother to suicide in 2007. I know how hard death anniversaries are not to mention traditionally happy occasions like birthdays and Christmas can be. I can’t imagine having to grieve under public scrutiny the way you have had to, it sounds excruciating.
After my brother’s death my mother wrote a book about his suicide which borne no resemblance really to the brother I knew. People have such different memories of the dead.
I’m not going to embarrass myself or you by trying to add advice on grieving or platitudes, you’ve heard it all, suicide is not exactly rare these days. Since my brother’s death I’ve married, made a series of career changes and moved to Germany. I find it easier being away from other people’s grief to be completely honest, they drag me down too much and mean I can’t heal.